Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
