Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
