Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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