Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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