I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
