tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
