found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
