well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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