Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
