life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think my fart just growled at me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
