I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
