he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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