i already hear my dad disowning me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
