sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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