Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
