I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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