Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
