Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
