So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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