I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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