Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
