i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
