I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
