i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
