I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so let's talk penis.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
