I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
