the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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