Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
