I wish my penis had an off switch
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
