so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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