Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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