2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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