i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
