I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
