Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just blew my weed a kiss
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
