You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
