He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
