I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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