I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize