I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
