I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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