i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
