I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
