i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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