when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
