You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
