so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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