remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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