85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
