If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize