How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
