I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
