woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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