i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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