those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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