When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
