I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
