i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
