tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
