Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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