Soap is not a condiment
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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