What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
