Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize