I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
