the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
