I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
