So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
