My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
